Happy Anniversary - I Look To You

This week marked the one year anniversary of Alli’s Two Cents!

Can you believe it?!

Maybe it’s me but 2011 flew by at warp speed. And considering how intense a year it was for many of us, perhaps that’s a good thing. J

I want to say THANK YOU for the outpouring of support and affirmation I’ve received from my friends, family, loved ones, and brand new followers as you have all read my many musings.

Most of all, I thank God for how He / She has kept me.

As I look back over the past year, I can truly say that I would not be where I am today without the grace and mercy of God’s power, which continues to sustain me.

God, in all things, I look to You.

As I am sure many of you know, I Look To You was the title of the last recording released by Whitney Houston.

How many of us could have imagined that we would be mourning her loss at this time in our lives and history?

I know there has been much written and speculated about her very untimely transition. So much so that I considered not mentioning it at all.

But my thoughts have persisted over these past few days so I hope you will indulge me.

I don’t have anything profound or indicting to say about Whitney Houston’s past, conflicts, or issues. And surely there are no other accolades or adjectives I could add to describe her tremendous voice and catalogue of work.

All I can speak to is the lesson I took from this very unfortunate turn of events.

Whitney Houston’s untimely death truly startled me.

It made me wonder what could have possibly been going through her mind, heart, and spirit to bring her to this place.

We can all opine ad nauseum about what she could have done, what she should have done, who she really was, and who she really was not. But at the end of the day, perhaps she was just a tortured soul who was tired.

A little while back I wrote about how we as a culture view and engage gentle people (Wearing My Heart On My Sleeve – Alli’s Two Cents, December 22, 2011). Many may not consider Whitney Houston a gentle person per se, because she was a diva in every sense of the word. But I wonder if her often over-the-top persona was a mask she donned to make sure the show went on when on the inside, there was pain she obviously numbed with many externals, be it substances or bravado.  

And while many may not agree, I just feel like maybe she was a gentle soul who didn’t always make the right choices or choose to surround herself with the best people (who of us hasn’t had a blunder or two on both counts?) who, in the end, wasn’t strong enough to fight all of the battles she faced, both external endured and internally inflicted.

And the fact that we can so harshly scrutinize that makes me sad.

No excuses – just an observation.

For me, this was a wake-up call.

Every time I think of her and the tears well up in my eyes, I am filled with a resolve to not let my past inform my destiny; frame my perspective; become my identity.

I suppose that somehow, we must all bravely and courageously address and heal from the challenges life inevitably brings, and, in our own way and in our own time, find that path to surrender and peace where we can let go of the hurt and embrace the Love that truly offers oil for ashes, joy through sorrow, and the proverbial garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.

If not, carrying that weight will take a costly toll.

So God of grace, mercy, love, kindness, and compassion, with profound gratitude and humility, here is all I can say:

I look to You,
I look to You
After all my strength is gone
In You I can be strong
I look to You,
I look to You
And when melodies are gone

In You I hear a song
I look to You

I'm Just Gonna Marry You!

Due to an unexpected illness I experienced last year this time, I had several weeks of unexpected down time. Being a true American, however, I couldn’t just sit there and recuperate. Oh no - I had to do something productive with my life! So I began reading a book called The Automatic Millionaire that had been sitting on my shelf for more than a few years.

As I read, I was infused with practical advice and inspiration as to how to begin to not only put my financial house in order but build wealth, even at late 40-something. The more I read, the more I realized that this prescribed approach gave me an understanding of money that made me feel empowered. This led me to believe that I might actually be in love with the author, David Bach. His method would save me! With that, I put the book down in my lap and, with little hearts swirling above my head, much like the Peanuts’ Sally used to have every time she saw her beloved Linus, I sighed and proclaimed to myself, “I’m just gonna marry him!”

In that moment, I distinctly remember this notion giving me pause because I suddenly realized that whenever someone impacted me in a profound way, or whenever I feel great love and appreciation for something anyone did for or gave to me, I’d say I was going to marry them. (Actually, I still say that J.)

This led me to ponder, “When, in my mind, did the highest expression of love become marriage?”

I thought that this Valentine’s edition of Alli’s Two Cents might be a good place to take a look at love in the 21^st century and what it now means to us “girls” who, according to Beyonce (happily married and a new mom to boot, I might add), rule the world.

I recently read an excerpt from Elizabeth Gilbert’s newest book, Committed, a follow-up to her awesome book Eat Pray Love. In Committed, Ms. Gilbert (one of my Muses) wrestles with the prospect of getting married to the man of her dreams after surviving a disastrous divorce and life-altering year of self exploration (my goal, by the way – I thankfully have the disastrous divorce behind me).

One may wonder if there’s too much pressure placed on the American romantic love model, at least from a woman’s perspective. Based on Hollywood’s version (with a little help from Ms. Gilbert’s observation), your husband is expected to be, “your best friend, your most intimate confidant, your emotional advisor, your intellectual equal, your comfort in times of sorrow.”

Or better yet, “your lover should magically be able to keep every part of [your] emotional being warm at the same time.”

A tall order, yes?

After spending time with women in a remote village in China, Ms. Gilbert noted that in other cultures, other women seem provide a good deal of this emotional sustenance aside from whatever may occur in their marriages.

Yes, you actually do have a husband, you do have sex, and your finances are intertwined. But a good deal of what she terms your “emotional nourishment” comes from what I term your sister circle – “sisters, aunties, mothers, grandmothers.”

The Village we’ve all heard of that I sorely miss these days.

What struck me as particularly poignant in this prose was the way she described the difference in how the women of this remote village viewed marriage. To quote my virtual Muse, romantic love and marriage was not seen as “the center of [their] emotional biography.”

Something to consider, I would say.

After all, love nurtures us wherever it comes from, and it seems to be those of us in the West who have elevated romantic love to this perhaps unrealistic pinnacle.

Not to mention this notion of every little girls’ so-called ultimate goal and fantasy – a spectacular wedding and blissful love to ensure that you live happily ever after.

Indeed romantic love is splendid and, to be honest, I miss it. But putting it at the center of my “emotional biography”, as Ms. Gilbert so eloquently puts it, doesn’t seem too balanced or realistic.

Instead of viewing romantic love and marriage as this life-defining reflection of our identity, perhaps it might be better seen as one part of our full life experience.

And, by the way, if marriage is, in fact, so central to our self actualization, many spiritual teachers I have read emphasize that our most intimate relationships do indeed mirror our true selves and provide an opportunity to heal and to grow. But in a healthy, mutual way – not a take care of me-fix me-fill me kinda way.

My goal here is not to provide a treatise on marriage and anthropological nuances but to simply note that romantic love and marriage may not be the highest expression of true commitment, connection, compassion, and caring. Perhaps it’s just one part of a multi-faceted, complexly-woven fabric of all kinds of love that impacts each of us in the most profound, intimate, and individual of ways.

So I know there are those of you who I have said I would marry for a number of reasons – from when you bought me a cup of coffee or a piece of chicken, gave me a hug and told me loved me, or shared a much desired book or beautiful music. But don’t panic. I don’t want you to meet all of my emotional needs. I was just trying to let you know that your expression of love sparked the highest form of joy in my soul – and that gift is met with profound gratitude.

So this Valentine’s Day, my hope is to manifest and enjoy the highest form of the divine – love in all of its splendor.

Happy Heart Day!

Girl Power! (P.S. I Am NOT My Hair!)

As my daughter’s first season as a high school baller comes to a close, I am moved by what I have observed as real Girl Power.

At each game, I see strong, confident young women who lead their teams and conquer themselves on the court not only through physical athletic skill but critical thinking in the heat of the moment.

As most know, sports have often been seen as a microcosm of the world and a great place to learn life skills that can be used in myriad situations.

The strength and confidence I see in these ladies makes me so proud.

Now that being a professional female athlete is more common, young women have role models who are assertive and powerful and can now develop these traits without feeling as self-conscious. It is more the norm, as it always should have been.

I also see these ladies defining themselves for themselves. This includes their sense of style. Whether it’s considered girlie or tomboyish (or some of both on any given day), it’s for them to decide and express boldly.

As athletes, my daughter and her teammates are developing all kinds of muscles in daily practices and multiple games each week that involve lots of sweat.

And we sisters know that sweat is the enemy of our hair!

Unfortunately, my daughter has still had to face a few unenlightened individuals who say that all she needs to do is run a flat iron through her hair or do something about those edges and she’d be fine.

Not compliment her on her initiative and commitment, or encourage her skill and prowess, but tell her she needs to do something about her hair even if she is an athlete.

Note to all the haters: she IS fine JUST AS SHE IS!

Unlike her Mama, Drew is also a true fashionista. She confidently explores different clothing and hair styles, make-up (sigh), and (double sigh) even hair color (more on that later). She naturally has light brown hair that gets blonde streaks in the summer thanks to the sun and chlorinated pool water. When she was a toddler, “some” people used to ask me if I had her hair professionally highlighted.

Really, people? She’s a baby!

Anyway, this year, she wanted to dye her hair black (that double sigh in the previous paragraph). After a year of heavy lobbying from her and our hair stylist, I relented.

Why?

Based on much thought, prayer, deliberation, and research, I came to the conclusion that a big part of being a teenage girl is about having fun! It's the one time in your life when you get to experiment (within reason) with your own ideas about beauty and define them for yourself.

Plus I decided she could want to dye her hair purple or blue so what the hell?

I didn’t get to freely explore who I was as a young woman because I came from a family and an era where a lot of unnecessary judgment was attached to something that can really be seen as a normal part of growing up.

Back in Alli’s Two Cents published February 18, 2011 (Happy Being Me [Even If Me Is Nappy]), I experimented with growing my hair out, re-texturizing it, and coloring it.

That lasted about three weeks.

I am happy to say I’m back to short, natural and even more gray!

What’s so disconcerting to me is the impact these subtle (or not-so-subtle) messages have on our girls (especially from those closest to us whose opinions do matter) as they develop their very fragile sense-of-self in a culture obsessed with an ideal of “beauty” that has been proven to be unattainable, let alone sustainable.

I do hope that one day, we as African Americans will come to a place where we can fully embrace who we are in all of our gorgeous splendor.

I am grateful (30-Day Gratitude Experiment!) that my daughter has chosen to pursue athletics at a time when female basketball players are seen as the norm. (Hopefully they will eventually not all be seen as lesbians, even if some of them are, but that's another blog for another time.) I am also optimistic that coming-of-age in this context will help her to realize that true Girl Power comes from knowing who you are within based on what you innately love and being your authentic self without apology.

I happen to see the rise of female athletics as one vehicle for doing just that.

And I pray that she and her teammates will continue to develop internal and external muscles in the crucible of life on and off the court.

Finally, for the record, let’s remind ourselves of what India.Aire so eloquently sang a few years back:

I am not my hair

I am not this skin

I am not your expectations, no

I am not my hair

I am not this skin

I am the soul that lies within

Sticky Situation

Back in my 80’s college days, I remember smurfin’ away at the Blackburn Center at Howard University to a dance tune called Sticky Situation. Thanks to YouTube, I  took a lovely dance down memory lane this morning.

I figured the lyrics were about some kind of relationship drama but back then, I don’t think lyrics were the focus.

Today, however, I’m talking about a different kind of sticky situation when it comes to relationships.

How many of us have thought that by simply leaving a relationship or situation, all of our problems would be solved?

Not necessarily running away (even though that may have been a part of the exit strategy) but the notion that simply removing ourselves from the person or situation would make everything copacetic? (Another throwback for my 80’s crew!)

I’m here to tell you – based on personal experience – that if we don’t learn life lessons as they are presented, they will be back.

Like bad fungus.

What I also know for sure is that if we want them to, these lessons can usher us into a greater communion with the Divine, which is ultimately expressed in the love we show for ourselves and one another.

In my relentless search for Truth, I stumbled upon this wonderful passage in Rhonda Byrne’s latest offering, The Power.

Miss Rhonda is best known for her powerful book, The Secret, a wonderful introduction to the Law of Attraction. In The Power, Miss Rhonda makes it clear that the Power behind the Secret is…you guessed it – L-O-V-E.

In the chapter on The Power and Relationships, Miss Rhonda notes that the Law of Attraction is a sticky business. What that means is whatever I rejoice in, give, or offer out sticks to me.

What’s more, she also notes that I can make a shift in how I manage the people in my life that I consider challenging or difficult by looking at them as Personal Emotional Trainers (PETs). In this way, they are like physical personal trainers because, “they push me to my limits…but [they] are the ones who are making me stronger to choose love no matter what.”

So if I have trouble in my relationships, this sticky business, "...is fantastic news because it means [I] can stick everything [I] love and want to [me] by looking for the things [I] love in other people, and saying yes to them with all of [my] heart!"

I have to power to change my relationship challenges by, “noticing everything I love in other people,” which, she goes on to say, is a full-time job.

Ain’t that the truth.

I would have to say that since my existing strategies have not worked, I am willing to give her suggestion a whirl.

Last week while I was meditating over my cup of coffee with Queen Latifah, I purchased a journal with a cover that read, “Keep Calm and Carry On” (see Keep Calm and Carry On - Alli’s Two Cents dated January 19, 2012). Based on a principle from Sarah Ban Breathnach’s Simple Abundance, I decided to use this as my gratitude journal. According to Miss Sarah, Miss Rhonda, and Oprah, listing five things I am grateful for before going to sleep every night can be life changing no matter what my day brought.

Since I am famous for buying beautiful journals to embark upon one inner journey or another, the frugal side of me kept the receipt in case this was another one of my internal excursions that cost me money I should probably spend on something more practical, like groceries or gas.

But alas, the Universe confirmed that I’m on the right track.

Every Monday, Miss Rhonda sends an email called the Secret Scrolls. This inspirational message is designed to help us Truth Seekers stay on the Path.

Here’s what the challenge was for this week:

If you have a problem with a member of your family who is negative, begin by writing a list of all the things you appreciate about that person. Remember to include gratitude to them for giving you a great desire for positivity in your life; because that is a gift they are giving you. As you focus with all of your strength on appreciation, you will not only reduce your exposure to the negativity, but at the same time you will be attracting positive people into your life. Get yourself on to the appreciation frequency, and the law of attraction can only surround you with people who are in a positive state.

Funny how the Universe responds to your intentions.

So I’ve embarked on a 30-Day Gratitude Experiment.

I am on Day Two of writing down five things I am grateful for not only in my day but in relationships that I may have deemed negative.

So far, my awareness has already increased and I am truly grateful for that! (Item #1 for tonight J)

I predict I will report back in 30 days a changed woman – more joyful, more at peace, and more loving. And I invite you to join me! Start today focusing on gratitude for whatever you may think isn’t working in your life and watch what happens! And do share!! 

Keep Calm and Carry On

I had a bit of a meltdown this week.

You see, I set this goal for 2012 to write this book I’ve been “working on” for over a decade (uh oh – did I just commit to that out loud?!) and I put a few of my friends on blast that I would need support as I go back to these very dark places on my way to chronicling triumph.

This blog was like sticking my pinky toe (not even my big toe) into the water to see if I could do it and anybody would listen.

And I think I can and I think people do!

But sometimes, y’all, I cringe when I read my own words.

“OH MY GOD!” I yell into the phone at my Soul Sister Friend Mandy. “I am so full of shit!”

After all, I had conceived the title - Alli's Two Cents - years ago and this Soul Sister Friend of mine “encouraged” (pushed) me to do it.

As I ranted and raved, she tried her best to calm me down (paraphrasing: “You’re way too hard on yourself but I have like a million exercise videos to help you relieve the stress.”).

But all I could feel was very naked and very much like an impostor.

I mean, I truly am on a relentless pursuit of the Truth so I can be my best self and live my best life.

But there are just some days I feel like I flunk.

Actually, it’s been one of those weeks.

The theme of this Second Act of mine (totally stolen from Jane Fonda) is reinventing (see Middle Aging Gracefully - Alli’s Two Cents dated November 10, 2011).

And I am really struggling with that, especially trying to locate my identity, my voice after a lifetime of living in the shadows of invisibly taking care of everybody else.

While much has been made about what will happen in 2012 and what it means, one thing I know for sure: it’s about guerilla spiritual transformation and realignment.

And my good friend and Life Coach Angel Richardson reminded me of that in one of her Facebook posts. As she so eloquently put it, “When you decide to change your life, DO NOT be alarmed when all HELL breaks loose. It's OK, work your way through it. It's all a part of the process. *Read: James 1:2.”

My response, by the way, was, “NOW you tell me!” But she countered with a very honest and appropriate, “Ha ha, Allison, but you know this, Lady!”

Note to self: your declaration to make changes for and about yourself, Alli, is gonna meet with some resistance.

And as my Pastor, Rev. Sylvia Sumter of Unity of Washington, DC, has been warning us, we will need a new level of connection with the Divine in order to manage the major shifts coming our way in this age. And her recommendation is increased prayer and meditation (guerilla realignment).

And let me tell you: I believe her and I am doing more praying and meditating!

So in the midst of my meltdown, I took a moment to still my beating heart and racing mind. And God spoke to me. Alas, if we but ask and believe, God does always send comfort. An angel. A ram in the thicket. A Word from on high.

Or, in my case, a magazine over a cup of coffee in a bookstore. (Not exactly textbook praying and meditating but anyway…..)

Believe it or not, God spoke to me through Queen Latifah in More magazine.

Here’s what the Queen said that God used to pierce me right between the eyes:

“I like imperfection. You take from the world when you’re not yourself. Whatever is unique and special about you was designed by God. And when you try to be someone else, we don’t get you. Who knows what you would have contributed to the world had you just been yourself, if you celebrated who you are and just walked boldly?”

I am learning to accept – maybe even embrace? – my imperfections as part of the journey (hey – my meltdowns used to last weeks – this was just a day or two).

The Queen Latifah article ends by saying that after that profound quote, the Queen – “a living testimony to her own philosophy” – walked boldly to her shiny black fat Escalade.

So picture me, feeling infused with the Queen’s swag and God’s spirit, walking boldly to my Honda Civic thinking and feeling this:

What is true about me is that I am imperfect but uniquely designed by God and determined to share my true self with the world in order to make a contribution. I am determined to celebrate who I am and walk boldly in the world so that those who are supposed to “get me.”

BAM!

Disclaimer: I can’t promise there won’t be more meltdowns! For now, we’ll just Keep Calm and Carry On.

Recreational Peace

Every now and then I get a knock-down, drag-out cold.

Last week was one of those times, thus the absence of Alli’s Two Cents.

After observing this cycle over the years, I have come to realize that this is my body’s way of letting me know that something’s out of whack. Usually there’s something dramatic going on – real or manufactured – that needs addressing. (I remember one year when I had bronchitis four times and my life truly was out of whack.) Either way, I’ve learned to listen to what I’ve decided is God saying, “Alli, we – your mind, body, and soul – need a time out.”

I once read an observation by noted physician and author Christiane Northrup that the only acceptable form of meditation here in the West is illness.

To my mind, that’s something to fix.

So for me, this episode was about being still and asking myself, “What is this about? What is really going on? What do I need to adjust?”

And then it hit me:

I realized that I wasn’t sick because I needed create an excuse to escape something I didn’t like about my life as in times past.

I have finally given myself permission to not only ask myself what I need and want but to give it to myself.

You see, since I have learned that I am responsible for creating or recreating my life as I see fit, this was not about fixing something on the outside but taking a look within.

The happiness, satisfaction, security, and peace I once sought from outside of myself I am now sure I can find within and that’s far more exciting than a new job, a new man, or a new anything outside of me. Those are all by-products of connecting and aligning with my goals, dreams, ideas, and vision.

And that’s what this downtime gave me – time to reconnect and realign.

For me this was an exhilarating discovery!

So even though I did have a cold, I felt great even though I felt miserable!

Recreational peace – recreating peace – means that I set aside time to sort through the menagerie of my thoughts and feelings and tell myself the truth about what’s really going on.

After all, that’s the original premise for recreation – recreating ourselves by taking time away from the day-to-day.

While I don’t recommend waiting until you get sick to take a time out, my recent rundown showed me that I am allowing and accepting that, as Oprah is so fond of saying, my life is always speaking.

For me, recreational peace is about listening.

Happy Thanksgiving!

This holiday season I decided my new favorite holiday song is (There’s No Place Like) Home for the Holidays by Brian McKnight.

If you drove past me during the past few weeks, you saw me clapping my hands and bobbing my head to this upbeat tune that paints a picture of joy and love that fills the air as Grandma cooks our favorite dishes in the kitchen and the old and young celebrate the holiest night of the year.

The quintessential holiday image.

The image of home for me – Philly – has figured prominently in my heart and mind this year.

After being displaced twice and witnessing several cornerstone family members make their transitions, 2011 left me reeling.

So I toyed with the idea of moving home to anchor myself a bunch of times.

I took several trips and even landed a couple of job interviews only to realize that the notion that I could achieve a more grounded life by living closer to my (allegedly) more intact extended family was just an illusion; a fable I’d conjured up in my own mind.

To quote my friend Carla Griffin, “The state you’re in (physical location) is not as important as the state (of mind) you’re in.”

I learned that no matter where I live, home is in me.

I learned that my family – whether they live in Philly or elsewhere - is no different than I am: we wake up every morning; thank God for another day; and do the best we can with what we have as we continue to strive for more.

We are one and we are the same.

So in the spirit of David Letterman, I’d like to bring in the New Year with my own Top Ten List of things that I’m most thankful for: 

1. I am thankful for a greater sense of assurance within that enables me to be more of who God created me to be.
2. I am grateful I am learning to focus my attention on more of what I want instead of what I don’t have.
3. I am grateful that I can regard this year of exponential growth and tectonic shifts as one of the best years ever!
4. I am super grateful that my heart and mind are filled with excitement and anticipation for the days and weeks to come.
5. I am grateful that it is becoming so much easier to be grateful!
6. I thank God for my health.
7. I thank God for good work with good people.
8. I thank God for an awesome, healthy, exceptional daughter!
9. I thank God for my loving, supportive, amazing family far and wide, adopted and inherited.
10. And last but not least -  I thank God for all of you who have been divinely-selected to share this journey with me and who support me and this blog!

Here’s to our best year ever!

Happy Thanksgiving!