I'm Just Gonna Marry You!

Due to an unexpected illness I experienced last year this time, I had several weeks of unexpected down time. Being a true American, however, I couldn’t just sit there and recuperate. Oh no - I had to do something productive with my life! So I began reading a book called The Automatic Millionaire that had been sitting on my shelf for more than a few years.

As I read, I was infused with practical advice and inspiration as to how to begin to not only put my financial house in order but build wealth, even at late 40-something. The more I read, the more I realized that this prescribed approach gave me an understanding of money that made me feel empowered. This led me to believe that I might actually be in love with the author, David Bach. His method would save me! With that, I put the book down in my lap and, with little hearts swirling above my head, much like the Peanuts’ Sally used to have every time she saw her beloved Linus, I sighed and proclaimed to myself, “I’m just gonna marry him!”

In that moment, I distinctly remember this notion giving me pause because I suddenly realized that whenever someone impacted me in a profound way, or whenever I feel great love and appreciation for something anyone did for or gave to me, I’d say I was going to marry them. (Actually, I still say that J.)

This led me to ponder, “When, in my mind, did the highest expression of love become marriage?”

I thought that this Valentine’s edition of Alli’s Two Cents might be a good place to take a look at love in the 21^st century and what it now means to us “girls” who, according to Beyonce (happily married and a new mom to boot, I might add), rule the world.

I recently read an excerpt from Elizabeth Gilbert’s newest book, Committed, a follow-up to her awesome book Eat Pray Love. In Committed, Ms. Gilbert (one of my Muses) wrestles with the prospect of getting married to the man of her dreams after surviving a disastrous divorce and life-altering year of self exploration (my goal, by the way – I thankfully have the disastrous divorce behind me).

One may wonder if there’s too much pressure placed on the American romantic love model, at least from a woman’s perspective. Based on Hollywood’s version (with a little help from Ms. Gilbert’s observation), your husband is expected to be, “your best friend, your most intimate confidant, your emotional advisor, your intellectual equal, your comfort in times of sorrow.”

Or better yet, “your lover should magically be able to keep every part of [your] emotional being warm at the same time.”

A tall order, yes?

After spending time with women in a remote village in China, Ms. Gilbert noted that in other cultures, other women seem provide a good deal of this emotional sustenance aside from whatever may occur in their marriages.

Yes, you actually do have a husband, you do have sex, and your finances are intertwined. But a good deal of what she terms your “emotional nourishment” comes from what I term your sister circle – “sisters, aunties, mothers, grandmothers.”

The Village we’ve all heard of that I sorely miss these days.

What struck me as particularly poignant in this prose was the way she described the difference in how the women of this remote village viewed marriage. To quote my virtual Muse, romantic love and marriage was not seen as “the center of [their] emotional biography.”

Something to consider, I would say.

After all, love nurtures us wherever it comes from, and it seems to be those of us in the West who have elevated romantic love to this perhaps unrealistic pinnacle.

Not to mention this notion of every little girls’ so-called ultimate goal and fantasy – a spectacular wedding and blissful love to ensure that you live happily ever after.

Indeed romantic love is splendid and, to be honest, I miss it. But putting it at the center of my “emotional biography”, as Ms. Gilbert so eloquently puts it, doesn’t seem too balanced or realistic.

Instead of viewing romantic love and marriage as this life-defining reflection of our identity, perhaps it might be better seen as one part of our full life experience.

And, by the way, if marriage is, in fact, so central to our self actualization, many spiritual teachers I have read emphasize that our most intimate relationships do indeed mirror our true selves and provide an opportunity to heal and to grow. But in a healthy, mutual way – not a take care of me-fix me-fill me kinda way.

My goal here is not to provide a treatise on marriage and anthropological nuances but to simply note that romantic love and marriage may not be the highest expression of true commitment, connection, compassion, and caring. Perhaps it’s just one part of a multi-faceted, complexly-woven fabric of all kinds of love that impacts each of us in the most profound, intimate, and individual of ways.

So I know there are those of you who I have said I would marry for a number of reasons – from when you bought me a cup of coffee or a piece of chicken, gave me a hug and told me loved me, or shared a much desired book or beautiful music. But don’t panic. I don’t want you to meet all of my emotional needs. I was just trying to let you know that your expression of love sparked the highest form of joy in my soul – and that gift is met with profound gratitude.

So this Valentine’s Day, my hope is to manifest and enjoy the highest form of the divine – love in all of its splendor.

Happy Heart Day!