Keep Calm and Carry On

I had a bit of a meltdown this week.

You see, I set this goal for 2012 to write this book I’ve been “working on” for over a decade (uh oh – did I just commit to that out loud?!) and I put a few of my friends on blast that I would need support as I go back to these very dark places on my way to chronicling triumph.

This blog was like sticking my pinky toe (not even my big toe) into the water to see if I could do it and anybody would listen.

And I think I can and I think people do!

But sometimes, y’all, I cringe when I read my own words.

“OH MY GOD!” I yell into the phone at my Soul Sister Friend Mandy. “I am so full of shit!”

After all, I had conceived the title - Alli's Two Cents - years ago and this Soul Sister Friend of mine “encouraged” (pushed) me to do it.

As I ranted and raved, she tried her best to calm me down (paraphrasing: “You’re way too hard on yourself but I have like a million exercise videos to help you relieve the stress.”).

But all I could feel was very naked and very much like an impostor.

I mean, I truly am on a relentless pursuit of the Truth so I can be my best self and live my best life.

But there are just some days I feel like I flunk.

Actually, it’s been one of those weeks.

The theme of this Second Act of mine (totally stolen from Jane Fonda) is reinventing (see Middle Aging Gracefully - Alli’s Two Cents dated November 10, 2011).

And I am really struggling with that, especially trying to locate my identity, my voice after a lifetime of living in the shadows of invisibly taking care of everybody else.

While much has been made about what will happen in 2012 and what it means, one thing I know for sure: it’s about guerilla spiritual transformation and realignment.

And my good friend and Life Coach Angel Richardson reminded me of that in one of her Facebook posts. As she so eloquently put it, “When you decide to change your life, DO NOT be alarmed when all HELL breaks loose. It's OK, work your way through it. It's all a part of the process. *Read: James 1:2.”

My response, by the way, was, “NOW you tell me!” But she countered with a very honest and appropriate, “Ha ha, Allison, but you know this, Lady!”

Note to self: your declaration to make changes for and about yourself, Alli, is gonna meet with some resistance.

And as my Pastor, Rev. Sylvia Sumter of Unity of Washington, DC, has been warning us, we will need a new level of connection with the Divine in order to manage the major shifts coming our way in this age. And her recommendation is increased prayer and meditation (guerilla realignment).

And let me tell you: I believe her and I am doing more praying and meditating!

So in the midst of my meltdown, I took a moment to still my beating heart and racing mind. And God spoke to me. Alas, if we but ask and believe, God does always send comfort. An angel. A ram in the thicket. A Word from on high.

Or, in my case, a magazine over a cup of coffee in a bookstore. (Not exactly textbook praying and meditating but anyway…..)

Believe it or not, God spoke to me through Queen Latifah in More magazine.

Here’s what the Queen said that God used to pierce me right between the eyes:

“I like imperfection. You take from the world when you’re not yourself. Whatever is unique and special about you was designed by God. And when you try to be someone else, we don’t get you. Who knows what you would have contributed to the world had you just been yourself, if you celebrated who you are and just walked boldly?”

I am learning to accept – maybe even embrace? – my imperfections as part of the journey (hey – my meltdowns used to last weeks – this was just a day or two).

The Queen Latifah article ends by saying that after that profound quote, the Queen – “a living testimony to her own philosophy” – walked boldly to her shiny black fat Escalade.

So picture me, feeling infused with the Queen’s swag and God’s spirit, walking boldly to my Honda Civic thinking and feeling this:

What is true about me is that I am imperfect but uniquely designed by God and determined to share my true self with the world in order to make a contribution. I am determined to celebrate who I am and walk boldly in the world so that those who are supposed to “get me.”

BAM!

Disclaimer: I can’t promise there won’t be more meltdowns! For now, we’ll just Keep Calm and Carry On.