Transitions - An Unspoken Bond

Last week we celebrated Drew’s graduation from eighth grade.

We have officially made it through middle school alive and I am now living with a bonafide high schooler.

What an adventure these past two years have been! The early teen years have not been without their fits and starts but we, along with our Village, have weathered the storm and come out stronger and closer.

High school can only get better, right?

There have been moments during this transition from child to teen that I never, ever imagined. We have survived out-and-out crises but the key is we survived intact.

Like most divorced couples, my interactions with Drew’s Dad and his new family have not been without their own fits and starts. And like with most families, while Dads do their parts, it’s the women who run interference, oftentimes silently, in order to keep things together.

So even though it’s Father’s Day Weekend, I’d like to take this time to honor Drew’s Stepmother, Miss Tammi.

I must admit that in the beginning, one of the most difficult and unexpected transitions of divorce was watching my daughter be absorbed into a family I was not a part of.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want her father to remarry. But when I began to hear of birthday celebrations I wasn’t a part of, or Girls Days Out that I hadn’t orchestrated, I felt left out. What’s more, in spite of her resistance and steadfast denial, my daughter was beginning to enjoy her Stepmom’s overtures and I was genuinely happy the family seemed to be blending.

I remember one birthday celebration that I had in fact orchestrated where “Miss Tammi” and her Dad dropped by. When Drew opened their gift, her eyes lit up and her jaw dropped and I could instantly tell it was exactly what she wanted – a very cool blouse with sheer sleeves and jewels sewn around the neckline. The style was vintage Drew even though I’m not completely sure it was Miss Tammi’s cup of tea. It was clear this was an item they had seen on one of their Saturday shopping trips to Hecht’s now Macy’s (trips Drew swore she hated but I was now beginning to suspect otherwise). That year for school pictures Drew would not hear of wearing anything else. It was then that I realized that Miss Tammi was getting to know my girl and they were indeed creating their own special bond.

As Stepmom’s go, Miss Tammi is a dream. Even though she has at times gotten a bad rap and has been on the receiving end of the wrath of an only child who vehemently resented sharing her Daddy, I can tell she genuinely cares about my daughter and works hard not to make any delineation between her own daughter and mine. That puts my heart at ease when she’s with her Dad because even though I know Drew needs to find her place in that family, it’s hard watching a woman you don’t really know mother your child.

Not quite a year after Miss Tammi married Drew’s Dad, my second husband abruptly abandoned Drew and me after just three months. I was emotionally devastated and in dire financial straits. Over the ensuing weeks and months, however, I began to notice a few touches that had Miss Tammi all over them. Drew would come back from her visits at her Dad’s with her hair done and a new outfit. While some of my friends thought I should have an attitude, all I could do was thank the good Lord above because He knew I did not have the money to provide the way I wanted to.

The ultimate gesture came when I received an American Express gift card that Christmas that I knew came from her – she handed it to me personally in a beautiful card that had her handwriting.

In the beginning, I didn’t think of myself as a friend of Miss Tammi’s but over time I thought of us as having developed an unspoken bond. That knowing of what it’s like to be a single mom (before Drew’s dad, I think she raised two kids on her own for ten years, including a son).  And maybe not just because she’s been a single mom but because she’s a sister who's been there and knows what it’s like.

I can tell you I think Miss Tammi is a helluva lot stronger than I am. Not long ago, one of those teen crises blind-sided all of us and I was completely undone. Once the dust settled and the entire family came together to do some mending, I was still a mess of tears. Miss Tammi calmly said, “Allison, stop crying. Everything is fine but it’s time to get tough now, OK? Wash your face, pull yourself together, and let’s go.”

I’d say we’re becoming friends.

I’ve been through my share of challenges and I’ve known a lot of hurt. While there have been moments when I’m sure I was bitter and considered staying there, I am grateful that God has helped me turn my pain into an even more tender and compassionate heart. What that tender heart has learned is to appreciate e-ver-y-thing, down to even the slightest gesture of love, support, and kindness. I would say that my heart is not only tender but downright sappy.

So, Miss Tammi, if I have never said it before, from the bottom of my tender-sappy-war-torn heart, I thank you.