Evolution - Dedicated to Etienne Randall LeGrand

A few weeks ago I got to spend time with my Big Sister, Etienne. We are averaging five years between visits these days, which is way too long. She was here celebrating the graduation of her best friends’ three children from college and grad school, looking fabulous as usual.

She has always been who I want to be when I grow up.

It’s just that I’ve evolved and now the gap between who she is and who I am closes more and more with each phase of our lives.

Etienne, or “Ann” as I grew up calling her, lived four doors away from me in Mount Airy, Philadelphia (yes, “Ann” did slip out a few times during our visit but she kept introducing me as her Baby Sister so we’re even). She babysat me from the time I was six years old until she left for college in Boston, and made it her business to groom me into the beautiful young lady she has always known I could become. In the midst of the dysfunction my family had to carefully (but probably not successfully) hide, Etienne was an oasis of all I could be in life.

I worshipped her.

To me, she was Perfect – Perfect Clothes, Perfect Shoes, Perfect Hair, Perfect Body, Perfect Career Path, Perfect Life. (Can’t say Perfect Make-up – she doesn’t wear any because she has Perfect Skin.)

She taught me to frame and display ordinary snapshots that capture precious moments next to bowls of potpourri and vases of fresh flowers, while we toasted glasses of champagne she still drinks just because.

On the other hand, she also spanked me up until (actually on) my wedding day. I think she would still backhand me if I tried to off-load some bullshit (which she has absolutely no tolerance for). I think I just stopped being scared of her last year.

Highlights from my adolescence include moments when I would be walking home from school and she and Roslyn (her BFF of at least 30 years) would unexpectedly drive by on a visit home from college (her visits were never announced and still aren’t). I would get to ride in a Datsun B210 with real college students who were the epitome of cool. In between swigs of Robitussin, they would teach me important things about life like what to major in and how to play pinochle.

Many seismic disruptions would occur in our lives and sometimes we talked about them without really talking about them.

I remember my parents separating once when I was 16 and she tracked us down at my aunt’s clear across town. She showed up married and pregnant but we all sat around the table drinking tea as though my mother, sister, and I were not displaced and she had not begun a whole new life we knew nothing about.

The years eventually found us both in the Washington, DC area – me as a Howard student, she as a new wife and mother. She had evolved into the quintessential independent business woman and I the eager young pup who would never have the chutzpah she had.

Or so I thought. (I told you I’ve evolved.)

She was hard-core and couldn’t be bothered with tears or broken hearts or insecurities – all of which plagued my young life.

That was until love showed up at her door.

I noticed she started getting her nails done and letting her hair grow and wearing lavender mascara. Her make-up case – which was now the size of what used to be her entire purse - now fit into a Coach satchel that carried must-haves that I thought she was too busy and important to require.

After much deliberation, she finally accepted the marriage proposal of her now husband of over 20 years. Oh, and he moved her across country – another no-no as no self-respecting, self-made woman wraps her life around the plans / life of some man.

But we do evolve.

One of my favorite moments with her was shopping for her wedding gown. She saw a dress she loved in a magazine and we went marching off to Silver Spring to get it. Just like that. But the first store didn’t have it. In utter frustration, she walked out and on the steps of the store announced, “This....me being a bride is just such a ridiculous, absurd notion! That’s it – we’re going to get pancakes!”

So off to IHOP we went.

Hey, evolution comes in fits and starts.

My love for Etienne has evolved from that of a child to the respect and admiration shared woman‑to‑woman. I’m not only her Baby Sister – a title I wear proudly - but feel like now we’re bonafide sister-friends.

I see myself in her. No longer as someone I could never measure up to but a magnificent woman who mirrors my own beauty, resilience, and fortitude.

I proudly gave my daughter her name - Drew Etienne. Partially because I think it’s pretty fly. But also because I think she’s a pretty cool act to follow.

So now we both have exposure to and inhabit worlds we knew nothing about in Mount Airy. We’ve weathered treacherous territories such as crazy-ass Corporate America, marriage, divorce, and parenting teenage daughters.  Life, to me, has become the great equalizer. And when she hugged me farewell, I knew we were closer than ever.

She is my Sister.