Another Leg on the Journey

So this one is pretty revealing. I'm a little nervous posting it but I committed to Allison (which means the Truth). Yikes! My purpose in writing is to hopefully offer encouragement, empowerment, healing, and sustenance to myself and others. I look forward to your thoughts!

With love and kind blessings,

Alli! 

Letter to Me as Prayer to God

Circa 2006, Updated 2011

Dear Me,

Destined for greatness

But when? Where is it?

What’s taking so long?

And how many setbacks, valleys must I endure?

My entire life has been a quest for acceptance; “OK-ness.”

How do I find it?

          I feel like I’ve done all the right things and it has, at times, been torture.

          What are my goals now?

They are so different.

I never had any as a kid or young adult.

I thought goals were ridiculous because life did what it wanted to do, didn’t it?

That was the abuse, chaos of my family of origin talking.

My childhood was not as it seemed; a façade.

I wonder how we pulled it off, if we pulled it off.

It was like our little secret, my Mom and me.

Something very negative, very bad, very unhealthy that bonded us.

I was her confidante; her best friend; the only one who knew; her co-conspirator in survival.

The images of my childhood are sketchy and vivid.

Once, at about six, I remember my father putting my mother in some kind of chokehold in our then empty dining room with my Videomaster playing – a red and white educational toy that had a screen and a phonograph with a strip of pictures that advanced automatically while the record told the story. I followed along with a book.

I don’t know why my father was angry.

Sometimes we could predict his eruptions. Or we could at least piece the puzzle together afterwards.

While that was an accepted pattern of living that became the prototype for my future relationships and lifestyle, I eventually decided it’s NOT OK and isn’t the only way to live.

How come I seemed to be the only one so profoundly impacted by the hurt and pain and abuse of my family of origin? Why was I the only one in the world so lacking; so without confidence and self-esteem; so fractured and broken and f-d up? Why did everybody else have it so together except me?

Perfect families; perfect lives; flow charted career paths; unlimited familial and financial support.

Everything pristine. All “I’s” dotted and “T’s” crossed.

Yeah, that’s what you think, Sister. Looks can be deceiving but it is a powerful perception to overcome.

My entire journey has been about achieving legitimacy in one form or another, whether it was pledging in college or having a career afterwards; excelling in high school or singing and performing every chance I got; overachieving academically and being involved in every extracurricular activity I could fit in.

All driven by the pain and fear of never quite cutting it.

I just couldn’t go through my entire life “needy” because that was what I was accused of being most of my life.

Sensitive. Neurotic. Determined to live in the past.

Call it what you want but I needed some answers. Some understanding.

And understanding has come.

I am now discovering and embracing the Truth that all I have to do is increase my awareness of the God in me.

The Divine Power that brought me to this earth.

The fact that I’m here says I’m “legit” (my age showing) and I don’t have to “do” anything more to “prove” my validity. All I have to do is be and love me.

That’s why life is called a journey.

I’m getting there :-)