I'm Going In

These past few weeks of moving, transition, and change have been extraordinary.

I did expect some shifting. After all, it’s been well documented that moving is one of the most stressful life changes, right up there with death and divorce, all of which I’ve experienced more than once.

Some of this here shifting, however, I could not anticipate.

It’s brought challenges that have required a going within that’s like a crafty confluence of all the lessons I’ve been pursuing – gratitude, faith, positive expectation.

As Marianne Williamson so eloquently puts it, “Every situation we're in is the perfect lesson for perfecting the art of living. It's ours to decide the level of elegance, excellence and compassion we choose to bring forward each day. And every moment is a chance to choose again.”

So, once again, I’m choosing to go even deeper within; ask different questions; embrace a different approach; learn and grow more.

Like a soldier facing the unknown, these situations have required me to face myself squarely, look at my comrades within and without, and say, “I’m going in.”

Many times over the past few weeks I’ve set out to share my musings with you via Alli’s Two Cents and drew a blank.

I mean I would feverishly work with what I thought were divine ideas the Creator had mercifully sent and breathe a sigh of relief that the Muse hadn’t left me.

But, in all honesty, my alleged masterpieces went nowhere.

They felt forced and, most of all, inauthentic.

Unacceptable to someone (me) whose name (Allison) literally means truth.

So I donned a sari, sat cross-legged in peaceful meditation, and calmly asked the Universe what I was to learn.

Well, not exactly.

What I did was double down and have a little chat with myself that went something like this:

“Look, Allison (like when your mother calls you by your full name), if your dream is to be a writer, this is what it's like. Sometimes you just have to discipline yourself and see it through. Suppose O Magazine was waitin' on this blog? Or Random House was waitin' on your next chapter? You can’t go around saying, ‘Sorry, guys, I’m just not inspired.' ”

Radio silence.

So then I got out the big guns.

I prayed.

“Dude (God), we’re building a brand here! A following! What in the world?! Let's get the lead out!”

I guess you can tell how that went over.

Cosmic chuckles. Or perhaps guffaws.

So often I’ve been unmercifully hard on myself for not being enough or doing enough or trying / working hard enough. But thankfully I am learning to recognize this brute as ridiculing external voices from past tapes and move on.

They no longer serve me and therefore must go. 

As Facebook author Chandresh Bhardwaj writes, “If a snake does not shed its skin it must die. This is the law of nature. It works on human beings, too. When we don't shed our past conditioning, we just live a dead life based on dead systems.”

I confess that while my right brain rules my nature and temperament, my left brain has been in charge of a good part of my spiritual practice.

For me that means that when I ask, seek, and knock, I grab a handful of pens (or buy some more); a notebook (or buy another); a bunch of spiritual books (or buy some more); and go in.

I read, write, study, and analyze.

This, I have learned, however, is no substitute for developing the ability to tap into my core at a moment’s notice with absolute assurance that me and the Man / Woman within (not upstairs) has the answers and the guidance required to address all that concerns me.

While I feel like much of what I’m saying here is repetitive, I hope you can feel the magnitude of the many layers and facets I am experiencing.

So, family, I’m going in.

My left brain wants to churn out prolific writing on demand; leap tall buildings in a single bound; write my book and declare that it will be published November 12, 2012 at 3:19p EST.

But I know better.

I have to honor the time I need to discover this process and this path.

I still plan to write Alli’s Two Cents and grow into the big plans I believe God has for me. I just don’t know when and how.

What I do know is that I can set the intention to share the best of my heart in a way that honors what God has given me to say and that best serves my purpose and those God chooses for me to impact.

From there, all I can do is follow directions and trust that that’s enough.