Feelin' Groovy

Slow down, you move too fast

You got to make the morning last

Just kickin' down the cobble stones

Lookin’ for fun and feelin’ groovy

The 59^th Street Bridge Song (Feelin’ Groovy) – Simon and Garfunkel

As many of you may or may not know or remember, this time of year is a bit loaded for me.

It’s the time I honor life in all of its splendor - times of birth and transition.

It’s my Born Day (July 26, 19not tellin’); the day my father, Matthew Miller, made his transition while I carried my own baby girl (July 24, 1996); and the transition of my cousin, Renee Williams Carter (July 28, 2011).

I don’t know if it’s just in the atmosphere or something I create or a little of both, but some sort of shifting usually occurs around this time.

So how’s this for starters: a few days I’m sitting in a parking lot for several minutes waiting to pick up one of my daughter’s friends in the pouring rain. Suddenly I hear a loud crash and am baffled as I was not in traffic and was not moving. That’s when I discovered that a parked car started backing out right into me.

I looked at the driver and asked, “Are you kidding me?!”

Who does that?!

Fast forward to yesterday and I find myself rushing down the stairs to my dented car to grab dinner when, after pausing to finish up a text (I know the dangers of walking distracted, thank you) I suddenly lose my footing and fall and break my toe.

I was so mad I told the doctor he was not telling the truth!

I repeat – who does that?!

This year I had planned to celebrate my Born Day by dressing up in a little black dress and heels – one of a girl’s best go-to combos. Didn’t know where I was going or what I was doing but I was gonna look fab!

But alas – I will now be wearing some slacks and an ugly post-op shoe L

One of my dearest friends is so Zen it’s at once soothing and annoying. When I whined into the phone about how disgusted I was that I had been such a klutz, his response was, “Hey, some people fall down the steps and break their neck so you need to be happy and go with the flow.”

Gee, thanks – at first sarcastically and then literally.

He’s so right.

Is that not the ongoing theme for 2012?

Go with the flow!

Every year I remind myself that my birthday is my own personal New Year. I tend to prepare for this semi‑annual milestone using the left-brained approach I wrote about last week – journal, new pens, and books. Time for some serious contemplating, planning, and goal / intention setting.

But this year is different.

My journal and pens are in the Barnes and Noble bag, along with numerous motivational quotes for setting the tone for the coming year. But the words and plan just seem to be more comfortable in the incubator of my mind and heart.

They seem to need a little more time to percolate on the right side of my brain as I meditate and be still for a change.

I think it’s called surrender.

Just last night I sat outside on the deck, foot propped up, and looked into the sky at just the moment my father breathed his last.

As a couple of tears made their way down my cheeks, I talked to God about all of my feelings and even had the journal and pens in hand, just in case.

That’s when I realized (and accepted) that God and I were doing a new thing this year and I was OK with that.

We made the peace (had just finished watching a Godfather documentary where Michael Corleone had just told the families to make the peace so it seemed apropos).

So I’m just gonna slow down and go with the flow.

Apparently these things can’t be rushed and I am moving way too fast.

When my foot gets better, I’ll kick a few cobble stones and in the meantime will always look for fun.

Because if there’s one thing I’ve decided is a non-negotiable in life, it’s feelin’ groovy.

I'm Going In

These past few weeks of moving, transition, and change have been extraordinary.

I did expect some shifting. After all, it’s been well documented that moving is one of the most stressful life changes, right up there with death and divorce, all of which I’ve experienced more than once.

Some of this here shifting, however, I could not anticipate.

It’s brought challenges that have required a going within that’s like a crafty confluence of all the lessons I’ve been pursuing – gratitude, faith, positive expectation.

As Marianne Williamson so eloquently puts it, “Every situation we're in is the perfect lesson for perfecting the art of living. It's ours to decide the level of elegance, excellence and compassion we choose to bring forward each day. And every moment is a chance to choose again.”

So, once again, I’m choosing to go even deeper within; ask different questions; embrace a different approach; learn and grow more.

Like a soldier facing the unknown, these situations have required me to face myself squarely, look at my comrades within and without, and say, “I’m going in.”

Many times over the past few weeks I’ve set out to share my musings with you via Alli’s Two Cents and drew a blank.

I mean I would feverishly work with what I thought were divine ideas the Creator had mercifully sent and breathe a sigh of relief that the Muse hadn’t left me.

But, in all honesty, my alleged masterpieces went nowhere.

They felt forced and, most of all, inauthentic.

Unacceptable to someone (me) whose name (Allison) literally means truth.

So I donned a sari, sat cross-legged in peaceful meditation, and calmly asked the Universe what I was to learn.

Well, not exactly.

What I did was double down and have a little chat with myself that went something like this:

“Look, Allison (like when your mother calls you by your full name), if your dream is to be a writer, this is what it's like. Sometimes you just have to discipline yourself and see it through. Suppose O Magazine was waitin' on this blog? Or Random House was waitin' on your next chapter? You can’t go around saying, ‘Sorry, guys, I’m just not inspired.' ”

Radio silence.

So then I got out the big guns.

I prayed.

“Dude (God), we’re building a brand here! A following! What in the world?! Let's get the lead out!”

I guess you can tell how that went over.

Cosmic chuckles. Or perhaps guffaws.

So often I’ve been unmercifully hard on myself for not being enough or doing enough or trying / working hard enough. But thankfully I am learning to recognize this brute as ridiculing external voices from past tapes and move on.

They no longer serve me and therefore must go. 

As Facebook author Chandresh Bhardwaj writes, “If a snake does not shed its skin it must die. This is the law of nature. It works on human beings, too. When we don't shed our past conditioning, we just live a dead life based on dead systems.”

I confess that while my right brain rules my nature and temperament, my left brain has been in charge of a good part of my spiritual practice.

For me that means that when I ask, seek, and knock, I grab a handful of pens (or buy some more); a notebook (or buy another); a bunch of spiritual books (or buy some more); and go in.

I read, write, study, and analyze.

This, I have learned, however, is no substitute for developing the ability to tap into my core at a moment’s notice with absolute assurance that me and the Man / Woman within (not upstairs) has the answers and the guidance required to address all that concerns me.

While I feel like much of what I’m saying here is repetitive, I hope you can feel the magnitude of the many layers and facets I am experiencing.

So, family, I’m going in.

My left brain wants to churn out prolific writing on demand; leap tall buildings in a single bound; write my book and declare that it will be published November 12, 2012 at 3:19p EST.

But I know better.

I have to honor the time I need to discover this process and this path.

I still plan to write Alli’s Two Cents and grow into the big plans I believe God has for me. I just don’t know when and how.

What I do know is that I can set the intention to share the best of my heart in a way that honors what God has given me to say and that best serves my purpose and those God chooses for me to impact.

From there, all I can do is follow directions and trust that that’s enough.