Here I Am

On a sunny Sunday afternoon this past December, I had the distinct honor and pleasure of attending worship service with some of my oldest and dearest friends.

It was yet another installment in the yearlong centennial celebration of the Omega Psi Phi Fraternity in general and Alpha Chapter in particular.

During my undergraduate days at Howard University, I became an Omega Sweetheart at Alpha Chapter as a very green freshman. I was a Que Girl through and through and - trust me on this one - going to church with the Bros was a far cry from weekend parties at the Frat House or Fridays at high noon on the Yard at the infamous Sundial.

Some 20 years later, in 2011, we were just happy to see one another and celebrate the seasons of life that had brought us to this place at this time. We got to brag on our kids, empathize with the bumps and bruises we had all encountered, and rejoice in all the goodness we knew by faith was our birthright.

And get this – the pastor was a Que, too!

What a difference a few decades makes, yes?

This particular Sunday just happened to be Youth Sunday and during one portion of service, three young adults took the floor and began a praise dance to a song by Marvin Sapp that I had never heard before but immediately got my attention.

Here I Am

I’m still standing

Here I Am

After all I’ve been through

I survived

Every toil, every snare

I’m alive, I’m alive

Here I Am

For those of you familiar with this song, I would assume you find it as moving as I did / do. Since that day, it does me in every time.

And let me tell you something – the way those young people danced, they meant that thing.

And then all of the years just came upon me.

At one point, Marvin Sapp sings that all of the pain he had to go through have him power and a testimony and that by God’s grace and mercy, he was still standing.

All of a sudden so was I – I just couldn’t keep my seat or the tears from rolling down my cheeks.

And I’ll let you in on a little secret – neither could some of “da bruhs”, as many fondly refer to the men of Omega.

That day truly stands out as one of my favorite days on the journey so far. I remember it often and fondly and have thought about it a lot over the past few weeks as I have moved and am preparing for this new season in life.

You see, the lyrics in Here I Am imply going through a valley, a dark night of the soul, and emerging victoriously.

I used to think our lives consisted of one or two of these and then all green lights – we get all rosy days as a reward for lessons learned and live happily every after.

Ha!

I have asked myself – and God – exactly how many rock bottoms am I gonna hit before I get to ride off into the sunset.

(I think God let out a hearty, “Ha!” too!)

Anyway, this week’s musings reminded me of the words of a wonderful pastor I met only virtually but who was very significant in my spiritual growth.

As I asked some very troubling, poignant questions about life and faith during our email correspondence many years ago, my friend Pastor Kent wrote, “…[life] seems to be a continual cycle of death and resurrection for each person, as we find ourselves having to die to things that have seemed dear to us, and then wander around for a while in the wilderness of doubt before another round of new life. And then the process continues to repeat. Wilderness to faith…wilderness to faith…wilderness to faith…a continual cyclical process…for a lifetime!”

Pastor Kent, some 10 years ago, told me to hang in there and that’s what I’ve done and will continue to do.

Get comfortable with the ambiguity of the wilderness when it shows up and keep practicing going with the flow.

So Here I Am –

Just like Marvin Sapp, I am standing here today, with one thing to say –

Lord, I thank you...