Middle-Aging Gracefully

I have an old, dear friend from high school that I deeply cherish even though we are rarely, if ever, in touch.

He knows me in a way only old friends can.

The kind that saw you grow up and, in some ways, grew up with you.

He saw me stumble through adolescence, struggle in the midst of family dysfunction, whine through boyfriends, and find and pretend to find myself. We went on to graduate from college, get married, and have children. So he’s seen the best of times and the worst.

Yeah, he’s one of those.

After listening to me bemoan crisis after crisis over the years, he one day uttered words to me in absolute frustration that I’ve often recalled, especially more so here lately.

“Just once, Allison, I wish I would hear you talk about what you want for yourself.”

Even though I don’t recall my exact response, I’m sure it was somewhere between stuttering, stammering, and, finally, stunned silence.

I didn’t quite know how to respond because nobody in my young life ever gave me an inkling, let alone permission, to be selfish in a self-preservation kind of way.

Like when the cabin pressure drops, put the airplane mask on yourself first before you help others.

Love, particularly self-love, is like that airplane mask. When the demands of this life create fluctuations in pressure, you can’t get very far without it and you certainly can’t sustain you and someone else without it for long.

Never has this directive of self-preservation through self-love been more poignant than now as I watch the fruit of my womb come into her own.

She is a freshman in high school now, fully individuating (as she should be), and finding and defining herself for herself.

I know some of my words and guidance help but I often admire her fierce independence and quick wit, and proudly observe how she stealthily navigates the landscape before her, makes good decisions, and, more often than not, and lands on her feet just fine.

Like many moms – especially single moms – I have spent many years immersed in her growth and development and simply grindin' it out day-to-day.

There hasn’t always been enough self-love oxygen to spare ‘cause I’m too busy making sure she learns to put her oxygen mask on first.

But I have learned that being out of balance in that way doesn’t serve either of us. And I’ve learned that the greatest lessons are caught, not taught.

I now realize the power and responsibility of choosing the life I want based on my likes, preferences, goals, desires, dreams, and gifts. And even a healthy bit of selfishness.  

Yes, the growing young lady now inhabiting my space needs me but my role is not quite as hands-on and that’s a delicate art I am feeling my way through.

The up-side is I am learning to create a space where my self gets to reinvent myself.

Find a way to replenish and reinvigorate from within in soul-stirring ways.

It may actually be my turn.

So hopefully I am demonstrating that it’s never too late for a do-over.

And setting a good example for how to middle-age gracefully.