A Rose by Any Other Name….

What’s in a name? that which we call a rose                                                                                                                    

By any other name would smell as sweet;                                                                                                                       

Romeo and Juliet

William Shakespeare

This post almost didn’t make it. The subject matter I know all too well and is not easy for me to visit. But helping to educate others about domestic violence and shed light on its profound impact is my passion and purpose so here goes.

Earlier this week I read an article by Jacque Reid on The Root.com titled, Domestic Violence Can Happen on a First Date. Since I have chosen to thrive, not just survive, the abuse I experienced both as a child and as a spouse, anything that has to do with domestic violence grabs my attention. So I “Liked” the article and posted a link to it on my Facebook profile.

In the article, Ms. Reid shares how she was abused on a first date but didn’t cry, press charges, or consider her experience “domestic abuse.”

As it turned out, neither did many I shared the article with. I even got a Facebook comment that admonished me to be careful what I label domestic abuse. To the FB Friend, this was assault on a first date, not domestic abuse.

I felt a kind of righteous indignation at the comment but decided that since it stung so much, I must need to take a step back and meditate, write, ponder, something before responding.

Prior to going inside, however, I deleted the post and the article for fear that I had done “something wrong” or exaggerated a “minor” incident.

I responded with the same panic and dread that reminded me of a very dark place I know all too well but we’ll get to that later.

Just yesterday I saw a news story about a woman viciously attacked by her soon-to-be former husband in a judge’s chambers at her divorce hearing (see Divorce Court Attack, news.yahoo.com).  The response to this post was the polar opposite.

There was outrage (rightly so) at such a disturbing assault and outcries at how our judicial system does not protect the most vulnerable.

These responses – different as they were - brought it all back for me.

What qualifies as valid abuse?

I don’t know if I’m missing something but I feel like it’s so difficult for women to speak out when any violence against them occurs that it is incumbent upon us as listeners to be careful how we respond.

The reason I was drawn by the Jacque Reid article was her recollection of her response to her attacker. When this man literally threw her out of his apartment building, she picked herself up off the ground with scrapes and bruises and hailed a cab. She even greeted her doorman with a smile as she entered her own apartment building. 

She didn’t define it as domestic violence because, as she notes, “what happened to me didn't compare to the severity of the abuse that women like Rihanna [of Chris Brown fame] are subjected to in their relationships.”

So what’s the threshold? Marriage? Cohabitation? A relationship longer than two months? One bruise or two?

I know at one time, my definition of “valid” domestic abuse only included an Ike-style ass-whuppin’. Everything else was negligible.

So when I was faced with naming the torment I experienced, I was stuck. Surely this isn’t abuse, I reasoned.

I will spare you the gory details but it took the facilitator of a domestic abuse support group at a local family crisis center six weeks to convince me that yes, Allison, this is abuse and, no, you don’t have to stay. Every week I would listen to the other women share horrific stories (most of whom were married to pastors or some kind of church leader but I’ll leave that alone for now) and say, “So do y’all think this is abuse?”

It takes so much strength to acknowledge and admit that violence has occurred because so many of us blame ourselves. As though we were the cause of someone hurting us. It’s all in our pretty-little heads.  

 I certainly heard and read a plethora of well-meaning advice in how I could “save” my marriage. I would describe situations that were making me crazy and they would reply, “That can’t be true! You must have misunderstood.” Or, worse of all, “Maybe this is your cross to bear so you must endure hardness like a good soldier. After all, look at what Jesus did for you.”

SMH

The reason I mentioned the severe physical abuse reported in the Yahoo news story earlier is because it usually takes an episode this dramatic for us to take domestic abuse seriously.

 While my FB Friend does have a point that we have to be careful what we label as abuse, arguing the nuances of what actually qualifies as domestic abuse and questioning whether or not a particular instance or form of violence “counts” reminds me of my own pain at being minimized as well as countless other women who have also been dismissed.

One of the best gifts I received in the 12-week support group mentioned above was validation. I thought verbal, emotional, and spiritual abuse paled in comparison to the physical abuse they had endured. They would say, “I was seven weeks pregnant and he pushed me down the steps and stepped on my stomach.” I was sitting there like, “They are so gonna laugh at me.” But when I described what I’d been through, they nodded and said, “Oh no, girl! It’s one and the same. ”

A rose by any other name…

While my abuse wasn’t physical, there is a form of that terrorism that lives in me every day. It’s a fear and self-doubt that haunts me. But I practice exchanging fear for love, and surrounding myself with those who are loving and affirming. I choose different thoughts and grow stronger.

So regardless of your opinion of this subject or the victims noted in this article, I hope you will consider the following:

Abuse has a profound effect on its victims. It strips the soul of its worth and balance and results in a measure of trauma. It’s not something that has to define one’s life but it does require management. It is an injury – psychic or physical – that takes time and love and gentleness and kindness to heal. Not subtle undermining and hair-splitting as to whether or not it justifies attention.

To be sure there are abusers who abuse this issue. But I humbly recommend avoiding the minimizing of those who do come forward and are victims because of the idiocy of those who are mainly the exception, not the rule.   

I would also ask that you be mindful of the considerable bravery and courage it takes to come forth and vocalize this experience. Give it a name so you can reclaim yourself and let the world know this is NOT OK. Not unlike rape victims, many domestic abuse survivors would rather not go through the ridicule that tends to come when this issue is raised.

So to quote Otis Redding, try a little tenderness.