Love Continued - My Boys

In 2004, Patti LaBelle released a jam that quickly became every sister’s Anthem –

Seems my life is finally coming together

Feels so good, don’t think I’ve ever been better

It’s clear to me my future will bring

The peace I’ve been longing for is mine forever more

It’s a New Day…

At that time, I could really relate. I had been separated for four years and divorced for one and was deep in the throes of Life Reinvention #1 (we’ll save Reinvention #2 for another time). Not only that, but after more than a decade, I found myself dating. We can now add almost a decade of dating on top of the onset of Reinvention #1 and I still find myself SMH.

“Dating” appears to be the catch-all phrase for what you are doing when you’re single but not officially coupled, whatever that means (yet another land mine in this netherworld).

            First of all, I’m not sure I ever “dated” – meaning going out socially with more than one “suitor,” with or without sleeping together. Being a church girl who is completely anal by nature, I found the whole notion of juggling on that level way too confusing. Besides, premarital sex was supposed to be out of the question (let alone with more than one man at the same time…well, not literally….you know what I mean).

            But, Dorothy, this ain’t Kansas by a long shot and middle-aged hormones are much more persuasive than young, idealistic ones. The ones that really believed my Prince would come.

            So what’s a sister to do?

            Well, the anal me needs clarity, especially since that is what this Patti Labelle New Day is about.

I am supposed to know what I want and ask for it without apology.

Spread my wings

I’m doin’ things my way

It’s a New Day…

But honey, asking a brother you’re dating for clarity is the same as asking a brother if he takes Viagra.

            I mistakenly thought that defining middle-aged relationships was less threatening than doing so in your 20’s and 30's. I mean, I’m hip. I can handle modern attachments (to use the term loosely).

“So what, Mr. Prospect, do you want to do? What do you have in mind? Do you just want to hang out? Get laid? Be friends? Or, God forbid, consider developing a relationship?” A smorgasbord of non-restrictive, open-ended options. A plethora of back doors. A generous stack of Get-Out-of-Jail-Free cards.

            Was I ever wrong!

I’ve never heard so much stammering and stuttering or long, drawn out, cryptic soliloquies in my entire life.

Just crap!

            So I went to one of My Boys for help.

            I say, “What are these fools talkin’ about?”

            And you know what he said? “The same BS we were talking about in the 10^th grade.”

            “Oh,” I say. As though this clears it up for me.

But deep down, and out loud I say, “Are you kidding me? At 40 and over?!”

            And he says, “Yup. What can I tell you? Brothers can be raggedy and sisters let us get away with it.”

            Interesting.

            “It’s a numbers game,” he continues. “Sure, we might get your response from a few but, with enough attempts, one of y'all is bound to give in.”

            Rolling of the eyes.

            Are you effin’ kidding me?

            Apparently not.

Now another one of My Boys tells me that my direct inquiries for relationship clarity are simply not done. They're a no-no; a massive faux pas. Bro-ham #2 says, “No man, Allison, is going to say, ‘Well, baby, to be perfectly honest with you, I really just want to get laid.’”

I’m like, why not?! That works for me!

Now for the record, I’m not a maintenance kinda girl. Not casting any aspersions on anyone else but that just doesn’t work for me. However, I don’t think it’s too much to ask so I can know what I’m working with; you know, make an informed decision. I mean at this age, is making small talk for two weeks during loud happy hours and late dinners really worth the 20 minutes most of us can manage after a long day at work? (I hear a resounding “Yes!” from the brothers out there but I digress!)

Married men hittin’ on sisters certainly have no problem asking for pure, unattached, ‘til-the-cops-come-knockin’ booty . I mean the he’s-just-not-that-into-you conversations I’m still having with my friends were totally unexpected at this stage of the game. “What do you think it means if he only wants to get together late at night?” they ask. Or how about, “Maybe he hasn’t called in three weeks because he's out of town.”

Really, ladies?

I constantly hear myself saying, “I am too old for this shit!”

Speaking of old, I’ve also learned that I have to be open to dating men at polar opposites of the age spectrum. Someone old enough to get the Tuesday night discount at IHOP as well as someone young enough to be born in the late 80’s (I hear the latter makes me a cougar).

It’s really startling to realize that at 40, I’m old enough to date men in their 50’s! Fifties! Senior citizens! AARP card holders! And not just graying at the temples in a distinguished way but a head full of white hair! I was once talking to a lovely gentleman about my passion for Black history and civil rights. While I’d gleaned most of my information from books and documentaries like Eyes on the Prize, my friend remembered having to move “up north” because the southern city he was born in wouldn’t desegregate the schools even after separate but equal was ruled unconstitutional! I was like, “Damn! This dude was knockin’ on middle school before Brown v. Board of Education!”

Then I made the leap to the young, gifted, and young (see On Lock - February 18, 2011). Remember when I went to The Club? Not H₂O for Friday Night Happy Hour (where deacons wearing matching ties and handkerchiefs that say “I Love Jesus” in gold letters hang out) but Live or Jin or something like that on U Street on Saturday night! (See? I don’t even remember the name!) Two words for you – culture shock. And two more - generation gap.

This guy doesn’t ask me to dance (like in my day) but pulls my arm until we are pelvis to pelvis. I look at him in disbelief and he returns my gaze equally as puzzled. “Why did you just cut your eyes at me?” he asks incredulously. I respond, equally as incredulously, “Because our bodies are touching and I don’t even know your name!” I go on to say, “I am not used to dancing like this!” He asks, incredulously again, “Where have you been?”

I instantly feel every bit of 40-something for real.

To paraphrase Loretta Divine in Waiting to Exhale while attending happy hour with Her Girls, I would have had a better time staying home watching Good Times.

So for now I’ve got plenty to mull over.

Even though many of us are loathe to admit it, we still bought the notion that love and marriage are the apex of a girl’s existence. But I have discovered that the New Day Miss Patti-Patti is talking about isn’t only (emphasis on only!) about a balanced, loving, and joyful romantic relationship. It’s about the entire package - a full, rich life with the love and sisterhood of groovy girlfriends; work we find fulfilling intrinsically and financially; and a lifestyle that matches our expectations and no one else’s.

And, of course, no girl’s life is complete without Her Boys.

I’m excited for the things ahead of me

I decided I can make it on my own

Embrace the good and bad and let go of the past

I’m lovin’ what’s inside of me…